I recently sent something that I wrote to my dad, one of those “one small step for Korey, one giant leap for Koreykind” moments. In the attached email, I wrote this:
“It’s a work in progress: it’s a little more on-the-nose than I like, and it has tone and structure issues. I freely admit that I say that out of pride, so you don’t think that I think it’s perfect. But, I guess, it’s perfect in this moment, because it’s all that exists of itself–and unspoken words can’t sit back and claim perfection, before they come into being. Just like people.” It came out without much thought, but when it did, it felt like a quiet revelation.
I’m learning to see this as real: that there is not just abstract truth in the idea that all things (including we people-things) are perfect in each moment, because they are all that truly exists of themselves. And if we are part of god, god expressing, then we truly cannot be better than we are in the moment. (Couldn’t be better, T!) All the other stuff–the “possibility,” the “potential,” that just-right word or action or look or, or, or–those are the true abstractions, and are thus meaningless when assessing value in the present.
I’m still putting together the pieces of how I can strive for improvement while honoring this perfection in the moment. I suspect it has to do with reframing the whole picture: that it’s more about finding ways to express more of myself, to know myself better and share that with others, rather than “improving” myself.
Pretty heady stuff for someone who has spent the better part of 40 years steeped in self-loathing.
I have a long way to go, a lot to learn. But it’s nice to feel perfect while I’m doing it! 🙂